Thursday, December 22, 2011

This time, it's all about me.

Well hello!  I know I've been silent for a very long time, however sometimes life gets the best of us.  The truth is, I wasn't sure I'd come back at all.  Life has been so overwhelming, both good and bad, and all of it on an extremely personal level.  The thing is, I don't know how to write superficially.  Anyone who's read my past posts know I share both honestly and from the heart, and because of that I needed time to get my head in order before venturing forward with this blog.  I had a decision to make- let it die, or continue to just be me?

Here I am again after a year's hiatus so I think my decision was obvious.  I'll continue to share my journey despite the discomfort that may come with sharing such personal experiences because maybe, just maybe, sharing my struggles can help someone else.

So what's happened?  A lot.  Have you ever reached an epiphany moment in your life when you just know you have to make some changes?  That is essentially what happened to me.  I took a look both at myself and the people around me and realized it was time for some difficult if not scary changes.  I needed to improve my health drastically, both physically and emotionally.  Sure I have MS, and there isn't a thing anyone can do to change that, but that doesn't mean I can't take control over the aspects of my life I could change.

The first thing I took control of was ending a marriage that should have never taken place to begin with- I filed for divorce.  I won't go into all the sorted details here, but rest assured I am happier and more at peace now that he is out of my life than I have been in years.  As pathetic as this will sound (ok it IS pathetic), I was used from start to finish.  I essentially fell victim to a predator, a man who goes from woman to woman for financial gain so he can sit on his lazy ass and not work.  He is a pathological liar and king of manipulation, and unfortunately he came into my life during a time I was extremely unstable both emotionally and physically, making me easy prey.  One thing he used to say to me as a way to further crush my already low self esteem was "the woman I loved died the day you were diagnosed, you've never been yourself since".  Then one day I realized no, that was so far from true!  In fact, it was just the opposite and I told him "Wrong.  When I met you I was terrified and had no idea what was wrong with me.  Being diagnosed was the first step in finding myself again.  This is ME, the real me, and I'm a strong independent woman.  You just don't like the fact the scared needy girl is finally healed enough to leave".

And with that I filed for divorce, which was final in November. I am now blissfully known by my maiden name again today :)

Divorcing the parasite was only one step towards improving my life and myself.  Really, that was easy part, all I had to do was write a check to the lawyer and show up in court a couple times.  The tough part, the ongoing part, is taking control of my health.  Yeah I have MS and a linty of symptoms that are now part of daily life, but sadly all aspects of my health had slid down the crapper too.  I looked at myself and thought "You're almost 40 years old, where are you going to be at 50?  At 60?".  I didn't like the response because I knew if I continued on the unhealthy path I was on, it wouldn't be good.  It was time for some MAJOR changes.

The first thing I did was quitting smoking.  For any other smokers with MS reading this?  Many studies have come out showing that smoking will speed up the progression of the disease.  If that isn't reason enough to quit (along with cancer, emphysema, COPD, etc) I don't know what is.  It wasn't easy, and quite frankly I'm a little shocked I wasn't a much nastier person to live with while quitting, but I'm very proud to report I haven't had a cigarette in over 6 months.  I never thought I'd say this, but I truly love being a non-smoker.

I was now single, and a non-smoker, so time for the next step: My oral health.  Here is another little known fact to MS'ers- IV steroids can cause bone loss (again, among a long list of other possible side effects).  When I was first diagnosed I was relapsing every 3-5 months and on IV steroids just as often.  That, coupled with other medications and an already scarily low vitamin D level, turned my teeth into a rotting brittle mess.  In about 2 years time, I went from having perfect teeth and beautiful smile to having a mouthful of infection that I was ashamed to let anyone see. I avoided pictures like the plague and was in almost constant pain.  Twice I even relapsed due to tooth infections. It was a huge source of humiliation as much as it was health issues.  I knew I had to address this problem but was terrified- I didn't even want to consider the amount of pain that would be involved in fixing it.  Still, it was the next step in my journey to health, so I mustered up all the courage I could find and did.

I'm happy to report I once again have a smile as beautiful and perfect as the day I got my braces off 22 years ago.  The price to get it?  A day of agony in the dentist chair having 12 teeth pulled.  Yes, I had them all pulled the same day.  I know, I'm a masochist apparently, but I just wanted it done and over before I lost my courage entirely.  My face swelled up like a chipmunk and I even got a black eye, but within 48 hours I actually had far less pain than I did from the infected teeth.  Now, I feel great and am actually adjusting the changes much faster than I had anticipated.  Mission accomplished! :)

The next step?  Lose weight.  Lose LOTS of weight.  I have been a big girl pretty much my entire life, but there is a difference between a healthy big and a dangerous obese.  I, admittedly, am dangerously obese.  The sad reality is, the day may come I can no longer walk and require help with daily life.  None of us with MS want to consider this but it is a possibility for us.  It dawned on me aside from the risks of diabetes, hypertension, and a host of other health issues I was also risking making potential caregivers' lives hell if I remained this weight.  Something had to be done and it had to be done while I was still healthy enough to do it.

On January 6th, I will be having Lap-Band surgery.  I know some will disagree with me on this decision, but to be blunt I don't care.  Like all other aspects of my life and health, I have to do what I believe is best for me.  This, I believe, IS best for me.  I'm actually very excited for this next step and anxious to start the next leg of my journey.  Stay tuned for details as I continue my quest for better health :)

Now you know why I chose the title of this post.  This time, it's all about me.  As I'm sure many out there can relate- that isn't easy.  I'm so used to putting myself and my needs on the back burner to take care of everyone else.  But then I realized that by taking care of myself I'm also better caring for those whom depend on me too.  Sometimes you have to make it "all about you" to truly care for those you love.

Til next time, be well all <3
Mis

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for sharing these very personal thoughts & the beginning of your new story, the one you will continue to write on YOUR own terms...with love & happiness & excitement! Your inspiring me by the day, that it's never too late, to throw your hands in the air & say I want more from this life & no one else is going to stop me! Hooray for you & your accomplishments so far, can't wait to read the rest of this story!

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  2. Wow, sweetheart, I have always known that you're highly intelligent, but I didn't realize what an excellent writer you are, as well! I also didn't realize that we appear to have been married to the same person, or close enough that it counts, and I'm proud to be sharing the journey to freedom with you. Awesome, ain't it, when you're free to be who you be???

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  3. Melissa,

    I'm so proud of you. 2011 has been a tough year for you. You had to make the choice of either just excepting your unhappy life or makine hard choices and decisions and taking control of your life. And you did it, you made those choices, those life changing decisions. The right ones. I know you've heard me say this before, but I think now it will make more sense to you: In my 20's I was sure I had it all figured out; in my 30's I was devasted when I realized I didn't know squat; in my 40's I realized no one has it figured out, I was the only person responsible for my life and my happiness. And then I was happy, for the first time in many, many years. I think you're there, you've already figured all of that out. You have two years to go before you are 40, and I promise you your 40's will be fabulous because of the decisions you have made. Yes, it's all about you and it should be!! I love you Melissa!

    Love,

    Mom

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