Friday, April 30, 2010

Update on Life

First, let me apologize for neglecting this blog in recent weeks.  I had surgery a couple weeks ago (not MS related) and was offline to rest and heal.  Of course Murphy's Law, I finally get back on feet and the MS decides to act up. Figures, doesn't it?

The truth is, I had couple scares recently.  I started feeling a bit 'off' about a week ago.  Last Saturday my husband and I decided to go out to dinner and shopping for patio furniture afterward.  I knew my legs weren't exactly behaving, and I was sore, but I figured I could use the shopping cart as a walker as I had many times before.  It didn't work out so well this time.  I wasn't even 50 feet from being inside the front door and my legs just ached.  As I trudged on, my calves and feet both had this painful, almost electrified, tingly sensation pulsating through them with every step.  By this point I'm literally hanging over the cart for balance and support (I was also dizzy to the point of being nauseous) when my right arm decided to start hurting as well.  By the time we finally reached the patio furniture area, I just wanted to plop in the middle of the floor and give up.  Walking was getting dangerously close to impossible, I couldn't even hang onto the cart anymore because my arm was also hurting, so I reluctantly told my husband "I'm so sorry, I have to go home.  I seriously think I might fall over".  That walk to the car was awful- I was leaning on my husband limping and stumbling the entire way.  When we finally did reach the car, I literally collapsed into the seat.  I grabbed my legs under the thigh to lift them inside, and fought back tears.  All I could think was "Oh God please don't let this have been the last day I ever walked".

Thankfully, the next day my legs did improve and continued to gradually as the week went on.  They are still not good, they ache and the muscles feel as though they won't relax, but at least I can move about (even if I am slower than molasses).  During this time, my eyes also decided to start acting up.  I've only had severe vision problems once back in October 2008.  I had complete double vision which is what actually led to my diagnosis of MS.  That being said, losing my vision again has been a major fear ever since then.  If you've never had true double vision before, let me tell you, it's horrible.  This past week my eyes having been acting very similar to the way they were the week before my vision doubled almost two years ago.  I'm finding it hard to focus, my peripheral vision is non-existent, and there's even some swelling in my left eye.  Two days ago I was sitting on my computer and suddenly the world did, in fact, suddenly appear in duplicate.  I panicked.  I started blinking, shaking my head, even cursing out loud.  Thankfully, after a terrifying ten minutes of fearing the worst, my vision did return  to semi-normal.  Semi-normal meaning I still have the symptoms that there prior to the double vision setting in briefly, but at least I was seeing one of everything again.

So needless to say, I just don't feel well at all lately.  Aside from the leg and eye issues, I'm exhausted, I'm dizzy, and my cognitive function is definitely suffering as well.  I haven't had a full blown relapse in almost nine months- and I pray daily that God will stop this recent flare from becoming the next one.  It's so incredibly frustrating.  I keep thinking that I should be used to this routine by now, yet sadly I am not.  The chronic symptoms I live with on a daily basis usually don't upset me.  I accept the fact I'm never going to feel 'normal' again, and I make the conscious decision to push through them and live my life to the fullest despite them.  But without fail when new symptoms arise, or existing ones get significantly worse, I start to slip into fear and pity party mode.  I guess that's where I am tonight as I write this- I just don't want to have this stupid disease anymore.

I will write more soon- hopefully it's good news that this flare has subsided and not that I am going on another Solumedrol infusion.  Keep me in your prayers, please!

Be well all,

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