Wednesday, March 4, 2009

How much, is too much?

So... I finally slept for a whopping 6 hours straight last night. First time I've slept more than 3 hours a night since I started the steroids. I am just in a haze today. I am so tired, yet thanks to the fact I just took my daily 'taper dose' of steroids I'm all shaky and wired at the same time.

It's a catch-22, really. I mean, yes the steroids stopped the relapse dead in it's tracks. In that regard, what a life saver. I was miserable. Not to mention I need all the help saving what brain and nerve function I can get. But I have to be honest, never in my entire life have I DREADED taking a med like I dread taking these steroids every morning. I just... hate the way they make me feel, and I know they are so hard on my system too. This morning I sat there with the bottle in my hand just staring at it, putting it off taking it, for a good 20 minutes.

After a loud sigh and once again washing them down, I got up to return them to what used to be my jewelry box that has now become my own personal pharmacy stand. And I stood there staring yet again, and I thought "My God, my entire system is regulated by drugs". Right now, more than ever.

Here is what my day consists of at the moment: I wake up, and I take a Zantac (150mg, no less) to keep all the pills from eating away at my tummy. Half hour later, I take a Neurontin for nerve pain, a Baclofen for muscle spasticity, Chantix to quit smoking, and of course the steroids. By then my Copaxone is about room temp, so I then give myself my daily shot to keep the MS under something remotely resembling control. Let my tummy calm...and around lunch time I take B12, Vitamin D, Omega 3, and Inosine. That's the supplimental round of pills. Then I get a break, don't have to take anything else til around dinner time, and then it's time for another Neurontin. Joshua goes to bed a couple hours later- and I walk back into the bedroom. Another Baclofen, another Chantix, another Zantac, and now I add in Paxil for anxiety/depression as well. Finally bed time comes, and it's time for the final Neurontin of the day, only now I also have to take a sleeping pill too because the damn steroids have me so wired it's the only way I can sleep.

....then comes a night of restless, unsettled drug induced sleep followed by a very hazey groggy morning struggling to get my bearings. And it begins again. Lather, rinse, repeat.

I look at this routine that is currently my life and think...how the hell did I end up like this? My entire existance is based on drugs. Drugs to stop pain, or stop smoking, or not be an anxiety ridden mess, or stop my brain from malfuctioning. Drugs to sleep, drugs to wake up again. I understand my doctors think they're all necessary- and honestly, I know without them I'd be in a lot of pain in some cases. But at what point do you have to finally just say...enough? I feel like I am on way too much, and I shudder to think what my body would even do if I suddenly stopped them. I'm guessing go into one hell of a shock and revolt against me hugely. But I guess that's my point- I am dependant on all these drugs just to exist. That....bothers me immensely.

Has my body really gotten so fouled up that I 'need' all this to live? And IS it really living if your entire existance is based on chemicals regulating every fuction you have? I'm not sure what the answer is, and honestly, I'm not so sure I even have a choice at this point either way. I just know there's got to be a better answer than pumping my body full of toxins and drugs day after day.

Just my thoughts... Mis

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