Monday, February 16, 2009

A rough couple days...

Well, this has turned out to be hell of a rough week- and it just started.

First, I have yet another tooth gone bad. The worst part is, I don't know how much of the pain is the tooth and how much is the MS. I've read story after story of people having numerous root canals that they didn't need, all because the MS was causing facial nerve pain they 'thought' was from a tooth. Granted, I know my teeth are awful, but I also they just got awful in the last 2 years. It's not like I don't brush- I brush a minimum of twice a day. But... sadly, I'm told this is par for the course with MS. My immune system is just plain borked- and as a result my teeth are suffering.

So, I made an appointment at the dentist for tomorrow. Soon after, the phone rang. It was Joe, and I knew immediately something was very very wrong. He said in a quiet voice choking back tears "Something bad has happened... my mom died last night". I just...was in shock. I knew Pam had been diagnosed with congestive heart failure years ago- but I thought she was holding her own pretty dang good. Actually, Joe thought she was too- he figured she had at least another ten years with us. Apparently...we were wrong, and she died of a sudden heart attack last night. From the sounds of it, she died pretty much instantly, for which I am grateful knowing at least she wasn't suffering and in pain.

What makes this already devastating situation worse- is the fact Joe was planning a trip to see her with the kids in less than two weeks. They had been planning this trip for months. I know my kids were excited to finally go see their grandma, and I was happy for them to have that chance to connect with that side of their family. Then....this. I get so dang angry sometimes. I think to myself "Why, God? Why couldn't you just wait a few more weeks to take her? Let her son and grandkids see her alive one last time?" *sighs*

So it's been a very rough day. Yeah Joe is my exhusband, but as most reading this know we don't have a 'conventional' divorced-parents relationship. Joe is one of my best friends, we raise our children 100% together. I will always love him- he is the father of my children. And quite honestly, I'm so very proud of the man Joe has become. He's an amazing father to the kids, and he's always there for me no matter what it is I need. I still very much, and will always, consider Joe my family. To hear the immense pain and sorrow in his voice today just broke my heart. I felt so helpless. I wanted so bad to say or do something...anything...to ease his pain. But I also knew that wasn't possible. So...I just called him a half dozen times checking on him, and was sure to have the phone with me at all times in case it was him calling. Being there for him as his friend, and the one other person in his life that really knew his mom besides him, is all I could do.

I think back to when I met Pam... my gosh, I was only 20 years old and pregnant with Morgan. So many years have passed since then, and so much has happened. I can't help but examine my own life a bit closer as a result of all this. I can't help but to think "this is a wake up call- you need to do whatever you have to get yourself healthier despite your MS. Or you're gonna go way too early, just like Pam did."

So today... I mourn the lost of former mother-in-law, the grandma of my children, and the mother of an amazing man that blessed me with my kids. But I also thank her...for giving me that wake up call about my own life.

Mom, I'm sure you're peeking at this from heaven. I want you to know I'll take better care of myself so I can stick around long enough to keep an eye on your grandkids and son for many many years to come. Once you're done reading my blog- cruise around some other sites. There are people mourning you all over the internet right now. It's truly heartwarming. You will never be forgotten and will always be loved. Rest in peace and enjoy your reunion with your mom and dad. :)

(yes, I still called Pam "Mom" when speaking to her. I've called her that for almost 15 years, I'm not about to stop now)

Be well all, and may God bless you.
Mis




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