Saturday, November 8, 2008

...some relief

Finally, this latest flare-up seems to be subsiding. The fatigue is still bad as ever, but physically I actually feel better than I have in almost four months. Even the 'unbalanced' feeling isn't as severe. I do have some minor vision issues, but nothing that is really bothersome.

I am, however, still having some cognitive issues, though thank God even that seems to be subsiding a bit. I don't feel as easily overwhelmed and confused. My short term memory still really sucks, but I've been like that for over four months now so that's nothing new. I still can't multi task for crap, and when I try to I get very agitated and frustrated. But I still feel a bit... I guess "clearer" mentally than I have in a few weeks.

I had a very depressing conversation with a friend who's had MS for about 16 years. I'm still not sure what I think of it. One thing he said specifically hit me really hard. We were talking about MS vs. other diseases like cancer, aids, etc. Things people associate with a death sentence, whereas people can live many many years with MS, and even a normal lifespan. But then he something. "The difference between MS and what people consider terminal diseases, is they die at a pace it's obvious to everyone that they are in fact dying. With MS, we are dying, we just take a really long time to do it."

I thought about that. I've continued to think about it a lot. Am I, in fact, dying? Just really slowly? I guess I never considered it until he said it. I know in advanced MS, the muscle weakness can go as far as effecting the heart, diaphragm, really any and every muscle in your body. I know it can be a debilitating disease, leaving people speech impaired with spastic atrophied limbs in wheelchairs. But I also know these occur only once when the disease progresses past the relapse/remitting stage. Thankfully, I am relapse/remitting. Hence what appears my current remission that is beginning.

So at what point does MS become fatal? It almost seems as though no one wants to call MS a fatal disease simply because people live many years, even decades, with it. But the reality is, my brain IS slowly but surely being destroyed with each new lesion that forms on it. I see the effects it has on my body already, and like it or not, the reality is someday be it two months or two decades from now, I won't go into remissions anymore. So is my friend right? Will my death certificate someday read "cause of death- complications from multiple sclerosis"?

Yeah I know, not a very chipper post. I'm not writing this to depress people. I guess I'm writing this in the hopes seeing it down in words will help me come to terms with it a little more. I have accepted the fact I have this disease, but I am still dealing with a lot of mixed emotions because of it. Thankfully, today I am at peace with it. So I guess I'll enjoy today while it's here.

OOhh oohh!! Totally unrelated to ANYTHING to do with health or my MS...but guess what came out in theaters yesterday? Madagascar II!!! YAY!!!! The first one is hands down my favorite Disney movie of all time. I swear I still laugh so hard I cry every time I see it. So tomorrow, Wayne and I are taking the kids to the theater to see it. Sadly, I am far more excited about this than either of the kids, even Joshua. *laughs* But hey, it'll be a fun afternoon spent as a family. Even if I do embarrass Morgan right out of the theater laughing and snorting loudly like an idiot. Hahaha! Hey I don't care if that makes me a dork- the movie is freak'n hysterical and I can't wait to see it!! :D

Ok nap time for me. Be well all. :)
*hugs*- Mis

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