Friday, October 24, 2008

Stages of acceptance?

Who knew there would be stages of acceptance of having MS. Apparently, there is. Or at least there is for me. I spent the first two days just crying randomly. All you had to do was look cross eyed at me and I'd start bawling. Today... I am just pissed off. I am angry, hostile, cranky, and just not a fun person to be around at all.

My eyes do seem to be getting better- I can force things into focus for short periods of time. I spent about 20 minutes just staring at the top of the curtain in our bedroom. Why? Because I found if I looked upward and slightly to the left- I could actually see "normally". Of course the minute me or my eyes moved even the tiniest bit things went double again. Today, when I woke up, I noticed the double images are getting closer together. At times, there are even quick seconds of only seeing one. I am really praying I can see normally by Thanksgiving.

Yet... I am so angry. I feel like this is taking everything from me. I can't see, and as a result I walk around with tape over one of my glasses lens looking like a complete tard. I can't walk without staggering like a drunk person, making me look that much more idiotic to go along with the taped lens. Lord knows I can't drive, so I rely on Wayne to play chauffeur to me. So really, I've become a prisoner in my own home, out of embarrassment just as much as inability. I think to myself, this can't get worse. Yet...the reality is...it most certainly can. Much much worse.

I look back, and I also realize I've had this for at least 2 or 3 years. It just didn't fully reveal itself until now. All the weird health issues I've been dealing with suddenly make sense. It even turns out more than half the issues I've always blamed on my tummy problems were actually because of MS. That alone is depressing as hell, because it means even when I do finally get my stomach fixed, a great majority of my pain and discomfort will remain. So much for my high hopes of getting the surgery and living a 'normal' life, huh? *sighs*

Oh and I learned something else- there is a symptom they call the "MS hug". Whoever thought of that name either never felt it, or has the sickest sense of humor ever. If I ever find him or her, please remind me to b*tch slap the hell out of them. Anyway...this "MS hug" feels like someone is crushing your rib cage. It's often mistaken for panic attacks or heart attacks. I can't tell you how many times over the last year I've crawled into bed, close to tears, saying to Wayne "Urgh it hurts to breath... my hernia has never been this high. I don't understand it". Now I understand. It's not my hernia and it's not getting higher. It's the "MS hug".

Right now, I think the "MS hug" and the fatigue are going to be the biggest ongoing issues. I have been chronically exhausted for about 2 years now. Lately, it's so bad that I actually feel nauseous I'm so tired. It's kinda crazy, really. I can sleep for 12 hours a night, and still need a nap by dinner time. I am really praying once I get on the injection regimen that both will improve at least a little.

I am trying so hard not take my anger and hostility out on Wayne or the kids. I think that's why I sat down to blog this. I don't know why, but I've always found it therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings into writing. It's almost like if I get out for the world to see, then somehow it's releasing it so it can't eat me up inside.

So...that's where I am today. Seriously ticked off. Consider yourself warned. *chuckles*

Until next time... be well. -Missy


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