Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Yay I can see!! XD

I am typing this without one lens covered, and with both eyes open! YAY!!!!! *does a happy dance*

Yup my attack is subsiding slowly. Last night, I realized my eyes were trying to focus more than ever. So I reluctantly removed the tape from my lens. Now mind you, my eyes were still going from double to single, but I knew they were really trying to focus and work together. Today, I haven't had to tape my lens all day. I can even drive! Granted my vision isn't "normal" yet, for instance I can't read street signs at all, and have a very hard time with lights at night (traffic lights, tail lights, etc). I had to increase my font on my PC too- I simply can't read small print. BUT... at least I can see just one of the world again... even if it is still a little blurry. I just have to close my eyes and rest them every few hours because they start throbbing and aching from the strain of trying to relearn to focus.

And, I notice a definite improvement when walking, too. I don't feel nearly as unbalanced and unsteady. I am still struggling with going up or down steps and maneuvering tight areas, but at least I can walk across a room without feeling like I'm gonna fall on my bottom.

Heh... I can actually pass off as a "normal" person again at the very least. ;)

So I am keeping a log of my attacks, what they consist of, and how long they last. This one it's been two weeks today since my vision went double and I was vomiting in the ER from dizziness. If I had to guess, I think I'll have remitted completely within another week. That's not bad really, considering my last attack lasted a good 6 weeks. The one before that 8 weeks, and that one actually overlapped the second one.

Anyway, I'm keeping this blog short as I want to go watch a movie with Wayne and Morgan. But, I wanted to share my happy news with you all. :)

Be well All!! -Mis

Monday, October 27, 2008

The funny side of sadness

Ok, anyone who knows me at all, knows I have a warped, sarcastic sense of humor. And yes, despite my fits of anger and crying, I even have to laugh at this mess at times.

Every man out there knows the rule to the dreaded "do I look fat?" question from their wife or girlfriend. You answer fast "Noooo". You must sound convincing, if not she accuses you of lying and looking at some bimbo you passed in the grocery store two weeks ago. You must answer immediately, or you had to think about it and therefore still must be lying and now you're condescending too. It's a tricky one for guys. Well... did you know there's apparently an MS twist to this slippery slope?

Picture this: Your wife is walking through the house. You watch her stagger back and forth as she goes, hear her curse up a blue streak as she rams her hip into the kitchen counter for the 5th time that day alone. She then wobbles into the living room, and she looks like she's about to fall over backward so you tentatively reach out and gently steady her. At that point, she glares at you. "Do I look drunk to you?" GAAAHH!! I mean, c'mon, she looks like a frat boy three sheets to the wind who is about to go hurl in a corner. But, the good husband knows. He immediately sees the danger in this question and answers fast "Noooo". He sounds convincing, because he knows if he's not she going to accuse him of lying and looking at some bimbo he
passed in the grocery store two weeks ago. He answers immediately, or he would've been accused of thinking to hard and lying and now he's condescending too.

Scenario #2: Your wife is trying to see the TV. She has tape over one of the lenses of her glasses so she doesn't see double. Now, she is determined to make her eyes focus. So she's looking under the glasses, looking over them, taking them off and opening her eyes wide like a freak'n owl one moment then squinting the next. After a few minutes of this she gives up, puts her taped up glasses back on and looks at you through the untaped lens with a heavy sigh and says "I look l like a retard, don't I?" You answer fast as lightening with a gentle smile "No baby, you look beautiful".

These little situations are my marriage lately. God bless my amazing husband, Wayne. He handles all my moodiness, crankiness, fear, and defensiveness all in perfect stride. I mean, the man must be some kind of super hero, because he doesn't even flinch. I honestly don't how he does it, but whatever his secret is, he has the uncanny ability to always make me feel better. He makes me feel secure even when I am feeling more scared and vulnerable than I ever have in my entire life.

So yeah, I am seeing humor in this fiasco MS has caused in my life. But more importantly, I am seeing more than I ever that I truly have the most amazing, wonderful, loving husband on the planet. To Wayne- thank you, Baby. Thank you for loving me just as I am.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Stages of acceptance?

Who knew there would be stages of acceptance of having MS. Apparently, there is. Or at least there is for me. I spent the first two days just crying randomly. All you had to do was look cross eyed at me and I'd start bawling. Today... I am just pissed off. I am angry, hostile, cranky, and just not a fun person to be around at all.

My eyes do seem to be getting better- I can force things into focus for short periods of time. I spent about 20 minutes just staring at the top of the curtain in our bedroom. Why? Because I found if I looked upward and slightly to the left- I could actually see "normally". Of course the minute me or my eyes moved even the tiniest bit things went double again. Today, when I woke up, I noticed the double images are getting closer together. At times, there are even quick seconds of only seeing one. I am really praying I can see normally by Thanksgiving.

Yet... I am so angry. I feel like this is taking everything from me. I can't see, and as a result I walk around with tape over one of my glasses lens looking like a complete tard. I can't walk without staggering like a drunk person, making me look that much more idiotic to go along with the taped lens. Lord knows I can't drive, so I rely on Wayne to play chauffeur to me. So really, I've become a prisoner in my own home, out of embarrassment just as much as inability. I think to myself, this can't get worse. Yet...the reality is...it most certainly can. Much much worse.

I look back, and I also realize I've had this for at least 2 or 3 years. It just didn't fully reveal itself until now. All the weird health issues I've been dealing with suddenly make sense. It even turns out more than half the issues I've always blamed on my tummy problems were actually because of MS. That alone is depressing as hell, because it means even when I do finally get my stomach fixed, a great majority of my pain and discomfort will remain. So much for my high hopes of getting the surgery and living a 'normal' life, huh? *sighs*

Oh and I learned something else- there is a symptom they call the "MS hug". Whoever thought of that name either never felt it, or has the sickest sense of humor ever. If I ever find him or her, please remind me to b*tch slap the hell out of them. Anyway...this "MS hug" feels like someone is crushing your rib cage. It's often mistaken for panic attacks or heart attacks. I can't tell you how many times over the last year I've crawled into bed, close to tears, saying to Wayne "Urgh it hurts to breath... my hernia has never been this high. I don't understand it". Now I understand. It's not my hernia and it's not getting higher. It's the "MS hug".

Right now, I think the "MS hug" and the fatigue are going to be the biggest ongoing issues. I have been chronically exhausted for about 2 years now. Lately, it's so bad that I actually feel nauseous I'm so tired. It's kinda crazy, really. I can sleep for 12 hours a night, and still need a nap by dinner time. I am really praying once I get on the injection regimen that both will improve at least a little.

I am trying so hard not take my anger and hostility out on Wayne or the kids. I think that's why I sat down to blog this. I don't know why, but I've always found it therapeutic to put my thoughts and feelings into writing. It's almost like if I get out for the world to see, then somehow it's releasing it so it can't eat me up inside.

So...that's where I am today. Seriously ticked off. Consider yourself warned. *chuckles*

Until next time... be well. -Missy

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

How life changes in a blink of the eye...

You know, it's almost ironically funny. I made this blog...and did nothing with it. Yet I didn't just delete it either. I figured one day, I'd have a reason or purpose for it. Just one week after my first brief post... life gave me a reason for this blog. Be careful what you wish for. *chuckles*

Rather than spend endless hours on the phone or emails, I will be tracking my journey and health here. The reason? I just found today I have multiple sclerosis, or MS. To brush up on everyone's medical lingo, MS is an incurable disease that effects the brain and nervous system. Essentially, it means my immune system mistakes certain proteins found in the brain's myelin sheath as a virus and attacks them. The mylein sheath is a fatty layer covering and protecting the brain, and when this is damaged, it caused various neurological issues. The word sclerosis means "scars", which is referring to the legions on the brain where the mylein has been deteriorated.

For those that are going "what the hell? when did this happen?"....

This started about 2 1/2 months ago, August 2nd to be exact. I got up to go to the store and suddenly my left leg went numb and weak and I got super dizzy. This continued to happen, so I went to the doctor. He did a ton of blood tests, all came back fine. That did get better after about a month, but then my left hand felt weak. It was as though my small motor skills just went to hell. Dropping things, unable to type correctly, just simply as though what I was telling it do wasn't what it actually was doing. I went back to the doctor, this time he ordered a CT scan. Again, all came back fine.

That too did get better after about a month or so.... but then I started getting dizzy again. And it seemed like my eyes were doing weird things, they almost felt 'shaky' or 'wiggly'. I said to Wayne I thought the dizziness was my eyes, not even a week later, I woke up one morning with horrific double vision. For those of you that have never experienced this- you may as well be blind because EVERYTHING is double. I panicked, and told Wayne I needed to go to the emergency room. They ended up admitting me, and doing yet another round of blood work as well as another CT scan with contrast. They again turned up fine, but that is when people starting whispering those two letters "MS" around me. Upon my release, I went to a very good ophthalmologist who thoroughly checked out my eyes. He confirmed what my gut was already telling me- my eyes were fine. The problem was my brain.

I then went in for an MRI. That was this past Saturday. And today, I went into my doctor's office where it was confirmed I do in fact have multiple sclerosis. I currently have active lesions on two parts of my brain, hence the double vision and dizziness. It was one of those surreal moments. In my heart, I'd known for about a week I'd had this. But when I saw the expression change dramatically on my doctor's face as he read the MRI report, the reality hit me. I then listened to his office staff rush around to get me into a neurologist as soon as possible, heard them saying when they thought I was out of ear shot "she has MS, this can't wait", and saw the sad looks on all their faces as they tried to force a smile when they came into my room. It was at that point I just looked at my husband and started crying. Thinking you 'probably' have something like MS is a lot different than that confirmation that you DO have MS.

Now, my journey begins. I picked the word "journey" very intentionally. I refuse to let this beat me. I am willing to do whatever I must to make my body as healthy as I can to fight future attacks and recover from them. My life is about to change dramatically, in some ways, for the better. I guess I am trying to see the good in all this, and the good is at least I finally know what's wrong with me. I know who my opponent is- and I know what I must do to beat the crap out of it.

So...that is what this blog is becoming. My journey against MS. I'll blog about what happens both good and bad here. You'll hear how my health is doing, and I'm sure you'll hear more than a few rants and pity parties as I struggle to come to terms with all this. I figure this will be a good way, because not only can I keep everyone informed, but I can use my writing to deal with my own emotions as well.

Until next time... be safe, be healthy, and may God always watch over you. :) -Mis